I just got home from my late grandfather's burial as I write this. I was asked to give a eulogy as one of his direct descendants, but I was... in no state to speak earlier. The least I could do now is to articulate what I wanted to say here. My lolo was a constant in my life even past my formative years. He's always there in family gatherings, and he's one of the immediate family members I actually see a lot of since he regularly went to the house. He was always kind, understanding, and went out of his way to be helpful or of service (even though he's the senior in the situation). He kept an eye on my brother regularly since Mom would be at work and there usually wasn't an adult at the house, and he even accompanied me to Manila once when I was taking care of my enrollment during my freshman year in college. To hear that he was very ill so suddenly last month took me aback, since despite his penchant for smoking and drinking during gatherings, he was always able to freely do things with no problem. I was thankfully able to visit him during Holy Week earlier this month after being informed by my mother (his daughter) of this jarring development. On one hand, I was a bit excited. I hadn't seen lolo in a while (thanks, COVID), and it was my first time going to his house in Laguna. Mom would only ever tell me he had a house there, but for whatever reason, we never came to visit (perhaps it's because he usually comes here?). I wasn't prepared for what I would arrive to. I'm used to seeing lolo just chilling outside, and I know him to walk as much as I do in his travels to and from the city. His state during that visit was a far cry from what was I used to. He could no longer walk under his own power (having to be wheeled in and out of his own house), and his hands were constantly shaking. Most heartbreaking to me was his constant struggle to speak; I've always known lolo to be quite eloquent (especially in English), and it was hard to watch him have trouble holding a conversation. Despite this, I was able to have one last meaningful conversation that day. As is tradition with our talks, I updated him on the goings-on of my life. I was thankful that I'd been able to turn my life around and share positive things, because I don't know what I would have said if all I had to say was how miserable I was during the past two years. He was glad to have confirmation that I have graduated and thrilled to learn that I have a job, and it was nice to hear all that after everything I put myself through just to achieve those two things. He also asked if I kept my mind sharp with games like chess (I do, but not with chess), and if I learned to drive yet (he asked me this last time we saw each other at a reunion, and the answer is still no). I take solace in the fact that I was able to tell him that I'm doing well (especially given that I wasn't for a long time) before he passed. The news of his passing was equally sudden. It was Monday morning about two weeks later, and it was literally the first thing I heard the moment I woke up. My mom had to hold back tears telling me as she woke me up. Like the other times I was informed that someone I hold dear had passed, I found myself unable to do nothing but sit there in stunned silence. I had to wait until the end of the week before I could make the journey back to Laguna for the wake because I had to be on standby for a work thing. There was another situation where someone's passing completely divided my attention and I struggled to get anything done. This was no exception. I must admit I was frustrated that I had to put this of all things on hold because my current arrangement won't permit it, but it was fortuitous that I was able to come in later in the week. We arrived on the last day of the wake (with the next day being the interment), and I spent my entire day sitting there. From morning until the early evening, I was mostly just seated and pondering the whole situation, but family members started rolling in during the day and there was ample opportunity to talk. I've gone on record to say that I'm a distant person (moreso towards extended family), but this day was a much-needed reminder that my relatives are good people and I shouldn't be a total recluse. It was nice to see cousins, great-aunts/uncles (lolo's siblings), titas/titos (technically Mom's cousins), and [insert family label I don't know] (what do you call your mother's cousin's child?) after quite a while. I'm pretty sure I haven't seen a lot of them since either my own father's passing or some reunion years before that (and they were not shy about pointing that out). It was mostly amusing to see them react to me not being a child anymore and being blown away that my younger brother is also capable of growing. Most of my conversations that day were remixes of the classic "what's up with your life" spiel I described earlier. One of my aunts (seriously, what do you call your mother's cousin?), for whatever reason, was blown away that I'm in software development, and we had a whole conversation about what I do and the logistics of a project their company has planned. I also had a lengthy conversation with one of my uncles, who updated me on his own situation. He was apparently in a bad way a few years back (I was not informed of this), so I'm very glad that he's all right now. He talked about how utterly thankful he was for the support of his children (my cousins) and my mother during that time, we reminisced about dad, and he took pride in the fact that I was a UP graduate. That was a really good talk. I was also tasked by my mom to set up a Zoom meeting for my uncle (his brother) in Toronto during this day. He (along with my cousins and my grandmother) have been living in Canada for years now, and apart from the very rare occasions they come back home, I typically don't see them. Naturally, they want to be a part of the services for lolo's funeral in some way, so I put everything in place and discussed some particulars with my mom. Amusingly, my mom paraded around my work here as some kind of accomplishment amongst relatives like I built the Large Hadron Collider. I just pressed some buttons, Mom. The day of the interment was hard. Lolo being gone didn't really hit me until after the mass and we had to close the casket. My mother was near inconsolable, and I could hear my uncle over Zoom crying. I looked over briefly at the meeting (I was holding the phone streaming the services to overseas relatives) to see him hugging my lola/his mom tightly, who was also in tears. All of that was hard to watch, and I was in tears myself. We walked to the cemetery behind the hearse, had the eulogies, and watched the casket lower to lolo's final resting place. I was already in tears during all this, but I finally broke down when I saw the casket six feet under and threw a flower down. I don't recall if I mentioned this when I talked about Dad, but he was adamant that we not hold any sort of services (viewings, masses, or anything) and insisted that he be cremated straight away instead of being buried. I guess he had the right idea, because the wave of emotions that overcame my family during that day completely drained me. I was asleep for a good while before I got up to write this. Since thinking about what just happened is making me tear up, I'm going to end this with a more positive story.
The one thing that immediately comes to mind whenever I think of lolo is newspapers. I don't think I've ever not seen him reading one or doing a crossword puzzle (often with the radio on a news station). He was always up-to-date on current events, and I was excited when he would come over since I could swipe the paper when he's done to do my own reading. I also relish in the opportunity in finishing the crossword since, despite how well-read and smart he is, there would be times where he doesn't know the answer and I would. He doesn't really have a preferred publication (though if memory serves, he usually got The Manila Bulletin), but it was always a good day if the broadsheet he bought that day had sudoku in it. Sudoku is my jam. I suppose that's all I have to say. The emotions from earlier today are still fresh, but I think I'll be OK. Lolo got to live a full life (man made it to 80; how wild is that?), so many relatives turned up (which speaks to how beloved he was), and I have my fair share of fond memories to look back on. I'll be sure to think of him every time I do a crossword puzzle. - end -
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June 2024
Derryck
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